I believe in going after the things I want or need. I also believe in opportunity – I did mention I am very, very lucky, right? But I believe that those opportunities meet me because I am already moving in the direction I believe best… and then billiard happens (or opportunity), and I change directions. Sometimes it also happens that I am letting things change around me and I go in the direction that is shown to me, experimenting and trusting.
But most of the time I envisage myself as a huntress. I live with one, but I don’t mean hunting animals for meat (don’t even get me started on hunting for sport!). I mean hunting for the experiences that people provide just by being alive.
I spent my childhood and some of my youth reading as much fiction as I could. Classics or Nobel prize winners, chicklit and teenlit, crime and romance, SF and fantasy and everything in between in order to get some understanding about people. At the same time I tried to learn about myself as much as I could and then test my theories on myself.
But the best of all experiences has always been getting to know other real people. Getting close enough so that I may see that person in all the glory that it’s theirs… there are no words to describe this! And that means hunting.
Meeting people is not very difficult. But I have to confess to a great disability: I do not understand chatter, small talk and gossip. You could say that limits the numbers… but as I explained in another blog (Community), numbers should be limited, as we only have a limited amount of time in which to do things.
There is one other thing that tends to make life interesting: I am attuned to power. The control one has over his/her emotions, the stubborness with which some resist the things they don’t like, the freedom with which one expresses his/her desires, the leadership that is ingrained in some… all forms of power are extremely attractive to me. It doesn’t mean I always like it. I may be completely fascinated by a tyrant at the same time I reject categorically what that person does.
It looks as if I still had a lot of subjects to observe… except I don’t like having subjects. I am a huntress, and as such, even if patience is not my strong suit, what I like is to abide with the person, and while I get my fill of discoveries, I find out what that person requires and I endeavour to give something back for the joy I take. That person doesn’t have to do anything out of ordinary. I do not require people to change in order to please me. But it is a taking, even if I try to give something back.
Knowing that a person can bring me so much pleasure makes it easier to wait sometimes years for the discoveries. Some people require that time to open up or to let me in close enough to matter. Sometimes it doesn’t happen or I may leave it a few years and try again. From each person I learn and in that learning find peace.
There is something else though, because I am human and complicated. I take a lot. I don’t mind taking and going after what I require. I try to give back and most of the time manage to do so.
And I would like, in quiet moments, for someone to offer, so that I might receive.